Most of the time we think of a significant other in terms of a spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, but for this blog, I want to expand that term to include roommates and anyone you share a common workspace. Have you ever been excited to make a change, declutter, or start a food plan only to feel like your significant other is an obstacle to your success? This is a very common thing to experience, especially at the beginning of a change. In the spirit of thinking graciously about our SO, this doesn’t mean they don’t want us to succeed. They are most likely in their own humanness of not wanting to change and/or you making positive changes is causing them to feel a bit self-conscious about their own habits. One of the best things we can do is continue to show up for ourselves and hope our modeling of good habits rubs off on them. Being forceful or complaining to them about their habits is highly unlikely to change their minds.
Physical Spaces– One of the most common questions I get is, ” How do I get my spouse to adopt decluttering habits?” This answer is simple but not liked. You can’t make them. But before you lose all hope of your clutter-free dream house, there are some things you can do to lead them to joining your cause of a clutter-free, organized home.
First, you need to get very clear on why you want to make the changes to your space. Your ‘why’ is very important because it will give you clarity and energy to continue when you face your own setbacks or complaints and questions from your SO.
Second, you need to establish some momentum and self-accountability. This means that you need to address your personal spaces/rooms first. This will build your decluttering muscles and thought patterns that will prepare you for the shared common spaces. It also shows that you are serious about decluttering and organizing your home. Let’s be honest. This is probably not the first attempt, so it’s only fair that your SO may not believe you are actually going to follow through on it this time. Give them some evidence of your commitment. Here’s a list of personal spaces you can start with.
-Your side of the bathroom sink
-Your nightstand
-Your office
-Your desk (if it’s a shared office space) and this could be at home or work
-Your car
-Your side of the closet and dressers
If you keep all of these spaces consistently tidy, they will notice your commitment. Plus, you will be benefiting from it everyday!
Third, you need to establish your boundaries for your personal space. This means that you need to have a conversation with your SO. It could look like this. “I have been working hard on finally getting my areas decluttered and organized. I love the personal freedom and aesthetics of this practice and [share some benefits you have noticed]. I don’t mind if you use my areas, but I ask that you respect the spaces and leave them as tidy as you found them.” By having a conversation about your boundaries and expectations, there won’t be any surprises or ‘I didn’t know’ responses coming from your SO. The hope here is that your SO will use the space a few times and then experience the benefits that you shared and want it for themselves, thus beginning to build their ‘why’. The more open you are to sharing your experience and having open discussion without asking them to change, the more willing and less resistant and defensive they will be.
Fourth, you need to build a plan for the common areas. Remember, you have your ‘why’ so you may have to do more work to lead the cause. I know this may not be fair, but if you really want the change, you have to lean in and do it anyway. One helpful thought here is to imagine that you lived alone. You wouldn’t be complaining about having to do it all by yourself if you were alone, so just borrow that thought when the unfairness fairy taps on your shoulder.
As you build your plan for the common spaces, decide which areas you use the most, that you desire the most change. Prioritize these areas on a list and then get to work. While doing this part, it is important not to disrespect your SO’s belongings. You might be able to stack their things in a smaller space in the room to discuss later or leave them in place and schedule small chunks of time to go through the things with them. They may not like this part, so remind them that this is your space too and it is important for X, Y, Z reasons for your common areas to be tidy. Be as helpful as possible and do your best not to judge. You may have to compromise some during this step or take on more of the burden to keep the common area tidy. This is the hardest part when dealing with your SO, but progress can be made. Patience goes a long way too!
Fifth, you have to accept that your SO’s personal spaces can be however they want. After you have developed the practice of keeping your personal spaces and common spaces decluttered and tidy, you may really, really want your SO’s personal spaces to match yours. This is where you can offer to help, but at the end of the day, your SO get’s to choose how their personal spaces look. Of course, if they are always asking you to find things in their cluttered personal space, you may need to draw a boundary by telling them you are no longer going to help them search unless they do some work to declutter and organize it. They won’t like this boundary but it is completely healthy for you to establish it and continue to encourage them.
If you follow these five steps, you will see results. And more often than not, your SO will join the cause on some level, even if it’s just the common spaces. Once they see your commitment, they will want to respect your efforts and help out too. Sometimes that part, just takes longer than you would like it to.
Final Thoughts on Significant Others
I think it’s safe to say, we like having our SO’s in our lives even if their habits don’t match ours all the time. Decluttering is one of those habits that can bring up all kinds of emotions in people, so do your best to stay patient with them. Modeling the habits and sharing the benefits are the most powerful things you can do.
Comment below and share you and your SO’s decluttering struggles or successes. We can all learn together.
I would love to help you with this process, so as always email me directly at patty@declutterfyyourlife.com to get started with a free consultation.
