This week I wrote the blog a bit different. Rather than associate the word of the week to segments of our lives, I am just writing about my perspective and adding some journal prompts in bold. Pick one of the questions and write about it for just a few minutes and you will have more clarity around what you desire and how you think.
So I spent some time thinking both about the noun and verb of ‘KIND’.
As a noun, it’s easy for me to think about the kinds of things I buy and eat, the kinds of dresses I like, and even the kinds of workouts I choose. It’s a bit more difficult for me to think about the kinds of people I have in my life and also what kinds of people I want to bring into my life. People are much more dynamic than a pair of shoes. Sometimes our hobbies match, sometimes it’s our spiritual philosophy that matches, or maybe we just like trying new foods together. I don’t need every person in my life to be the whole package. That is a rare thing to find and often sets me up for disappointment if I’m expecting the other person to match me on everything.
The kinds of people I currently have in my life and the kinds of people I want to draw into my life are a choice. Now some, like family, weren’t really choices early in my life, but now they are choices. Some questions I have asked myself prove to be valuable in helping me determine how and with whom I want to spend my time.
Does spending time with “X” kind of person make me feel energized or depleted?
We have all had the experience where after spending time with someone we consistently feel depleted. However, before I jump to blaming the other person for my depleted feeling, I tune in and ask myself:
Is how I’m showing up and thinking causing me to feel depleted?
If the answer is Yes, then I contemplate how I could show up in a way that doesn’t detract from me experiencing a more fulfilling relationship with that person. Other helpful questions:
Am I being the kind of person I want to be?
Do I like the kind of person I am around him/her/them?
All of these questions can just as easily be asked about your things, you food, and your clothes. Try answering some of these questions.
How do I feel wearing those jeans?
What do I feel most like myself and comfortable in?
Do I feel depleted or energized by that meal?
Questioning yourself is one of the best ways to gain insight about yourself and help you get clear on what changes you want to make.
Remember how powerful your thoughts are in determining your feelings though. Don’t take the easy way out and externalize everything.
Now for the verb of ‘kind.’ I’ve been thinking about what kindness means to me. I’ve been thinking about how I could be a kinder person to those in my life.
How could I speak kinder?
How am I being unkind?
Think of a kind person and ask “If I were _____________, how would he/she kindly respond?”
With a little introspection, I can usually figure out the answers to these questions and see how I can think and behave differently to be kinder to others. And I find that when I’m kinder, I feel better about myself, too! I have found that the quickest way to know whether I am being kind is to see how people react to me. Usually, it’s the quick micro expressions that flash across their face before they even say a thing that is the greatest clue along with that quick internal feeling of shame or guilt and the thought of “oops, that’s not my best self.” I’ve been there plenty of times and sometimes already thinking that before I even finish saying the unkind thing. I know, gross! But with levity and awareness, I continue to challenge myself to be kind and heal the places within me that birth the unkind responses.
Now, the reason I say their signal comes before they say anything, is because their reaction is theirs and sometimes they are struggling themselves to be a kind person. And two unkind people battling it out are never going to create peace and harmony. The more I am able to check my internal compass and gauge their micro expressions, the better off I am at determining how I could say things in a kinder way, apologize for being unkind and ultimately diffuse the pain. And if you are anything like me it takes practice and lots of it. I am constantly failing and choosing to be unkind when my feelings are hurt. That’s no excuse though. So what helps me? I remind myself that I desire to be a kind person. This may not work for you but answering these questions should help:
What will I need to think about myself in order to be kind?
When I am kind, how does it feel in my body?
When others are kind to me, how does it feel in my body?
How can I be kind and still hold my values and boundaries?
The internal work you are doing is so important in creating a more pleasant place to live. We all need a little more kindness in our lives. Be the kind of person that spreads kindness.
Please comment below and share what you are learning about yourself and what other questions you ask yourself to help you figure our what’s your “kind” of “kindness”?
Sending love to you all!
